The Story Of A Gambling Addict: Rock Bottom Number 1

I’ve rewritten this post a couple of times; I don’t want to sugar coat anything and even more I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses. The truth is I am a gambling addict. I am a thief and a liar.But, I am also sorry. This is the first time I’ve written it down in words, looking back is hard, and trying to unblur everything is harder and I will apologise for anything that is unclear .

People say they remember their first bet, the point at which their life changed for the worse. For me, it’s not as black and white. It wasn’t something that happened instantly, it was much slower. So slow in fact I didn’t even realize it was a problem until I was so far down the rabbit hole it was too late.

I’m writing this around a week after my numerous relapses, realising I need to do something different this time. I am 25 years old and have been gambling since I was 18 (Well, 16 if you count the odd lottery ticket but it was the appropriate amount back then- one ticket every 3 or 4 months). My game of choice is online blackjack, I sometimes branch out into slots or roulette but I always get drawn to the simple 21 or bust game.

When looking for help I read the quote “Gambling addicts are not really all that interested in winning or losing. Their main goal is to stay in action as long as possible.” Which could not be more true. I remember once winning £70k in one significantly long session, looking back it’s clear that winning money wasn’t my goal. If it were I’d have cashed out way before I even hit £10k. It’s about the “fun” of the game. The excitement. The thrill. The risk.

The good times were few and the bad times were abundant. It started with £5/£10 only and ended with me losing £1000s a day and stealing from my family, friends and even employer to fund it. I remember sitting in the police station with bank statements, the officer calculating in total how much I had stolen. £20,000 that they could easily tell.

I had accounts with multiple different casino sites. I was depositing 1000s a day, this was rarely challenged and when it was I’d just move onto another site. If It were me, alarm bells would be ringing. They knew my age and my job. How could a 20-year-old with a part-time retail job by depositing this much? This raises questions about how much the companies care when they plaster their sites with “responsible gambling” pages. Further to this it also raises questions to banks, they know my credit file, my income and everything about me but they still allowed me to deposit this money every day no question, and watch it go straight onto every gambling site under the sun. This is not to lay blame on them, I fully take all responsibility, but I could have gotten help sooner.

I got lucky, in the end, I was given a suspended sentence and community service, with mandatory genetic counseling. I wasn’t offered specific help for my addiction and I immediately slipped back into bad habits. Only this time I didn't have access to employee funds. Every single bit of money I had went into gambling. There were times when I wouldn’t gamble and I convinced myself I didn’t have a problem but in hindsight, it's because I had no money and I was just yearning for the next payday. This was Rock bottom number one. I had lost the trust of my family, had a criminal record and I had reached a real low point in my life.

Despite reaching rock bottom I still didn't get the help I needed. I still didn't reach out for the help I needed. My path continued to go in the wrong direction.